1 week until Christmas…

I was hoping to have quite a bit of sober days when Christmas finally rolled around.  Well, not so much.  I go for days, weeks, and then drink again.  Why?  I know in my heart and my mind that I do not want to drink.  It’s that crazy voice in my head that says this time it will be different, you won’t overindulge.  Well, the Monday after Christmas I am starting an intensive outpatient program for getting sober.  I went for my assessment on Thursday.  It sounds very time consuming and I’m quite scared, but I need to do this.  If I don’t I will lose everything.  I can’t keep sliding down this slippery slope anymore.  I should be able to adjust my work schedule around the program.   I also start another part time job the first week of January.   So much going on but I need to stay busy.  I don’t like looking in the mirror anymore.  I want my dignity back.  I want to be able to say that I like myself again.  I want to stop hiding and start living again.  Please, God, help me get sober, I want it so much!

so thankful

Last night, my husband was working, and my son suddenly had a change of plans, which meant I had to go pick him up at 9 p.m. from a friend’s house.  As I was driving out to get him, I couldn’t help but feel such a sense of gratefulness and relief that I was sober, and could go pick him up without any worries!  Now, off to work without a hangover!  Happy sober weekend everyone!

Still here :)

Yesterday was tough.  I was on my way home from work and kept thinking how many stores I pass on the way, and how easy it would be to just stop and buy some wine.  Too easy.  But I fought through it and kept telling myself no no no no no no no you don’t want to do that.  It’s only Tuesday, who drinks on Tuesday for God sakes?  Well, I used to, and on Wednesday, Thursday, etc. for no reason at all.  Last night, hanging out with my husband and my kids, having a lovely dinner and just enjoying the evening together was priceless.  How grateful I am that I did not stop at the store.  This morning I have been busily reading blog posts and trying to wrap my head around a sober forever. I am reminded of when my daughter gets anxious about homework because, “there are 30 algebra problems and that is just too many and I don’t understand it and I’ll never be able to finish it!” My response is always, “Don’t think about the entire assignment, just attack each problem one at a time and I will help you get through it.”  Well now, why don’t I just take my own advice?  One day at a time.  Here’s to day 3, today I will not drink! 🙂

Here I am again

Well, I made it 3 days, dammit!  I hate being here.  I hate drinking.  I hate the fact that I had to go the store and buy milk.  I sat here forever yesterday evening dreading going to the store, not wanting to go because I knew that I would buy wine too.  I didn’t want to, but dammit wolfie, I did.  Why is this so hard?  WHY?  Why can’t alcohol be like soda?  I don’t crave soda.  I don’t really drink soda.  Once in a blue moon I’ll have a soda, and then it makes me bloated and burp and then I remember that’s why I don’t drink soda.  Well, alcohol makes me feel a hell of a lot worse, and I still drink that shit!  Day 1, here I am again.  I will make it this time!  I WILL!!!!!!!!!

Day 1

Okay, here it is, day 1 (again).  I NEED to stop drinking.  I feel like shit all the time, and of course I feel great! happy! energetic! when I don’t drink.  So, why do I do something that I know is going to make me feel like shit?  Thank you genetics.

Well, I’m going to write on this blog thingy so it will help me STAY SOBER!  If I force myself to do this, like the countless others out there in the sober blogosphere, hopefully I will be successful.  I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!  I MUST BE SUCCESSFUL!  Otherwise, I’ll be dead.  Not a great alternative.

Right now I feel like shit because I drank a crapload of red wine last night.  Evenings are my trigger.  I am fine during the day, usually.  I have been known to day drink when I am home alone and bored and have wine left.  Most of the time I am fine, but once the evening rolls around, I get the itch.  Well, I don’t want to scratch that itch anymore!  THERE, I’VE SAID IT!  I’M DONE BEING A BOOZER!  YA HEAR THAT, DONE!!!!